I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.