Well, that should do it
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Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal