“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.