Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Cake!!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.