So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Got ya covered
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired