[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.