I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*