Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
(Electricians.)