The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.