Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend