[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’M CRYINGGG
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy