Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Omg 🤣
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs