Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
channeling her this year
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.