If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Growing out my freckles.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying