Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material