The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?