Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”