Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Strange
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs