Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
i’m still crying at this
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies