Does your wife know you’re single?
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
2 years later
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Usage Guidelines
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?