Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I have so many questions.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”