[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
my retirement plan is braless
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
The real reason evolution started..😂
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain