idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”