I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
lost dog
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.