Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.