my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.