-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
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“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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[creating seals]
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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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