Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist