“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.