Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
huge if true: the moon
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered