Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.