My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever