Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.