My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My favorite female superhero
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.