Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.