friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?