To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I need to update my racial profile.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.