ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.