Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
This forever.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?