Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Word!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.