Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.