[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!