Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
🛁
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.