*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.