the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
get you a girl who
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
kevin is now a local weatherman
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar