Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Autocarrot sucks!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My kitchen overserved me.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.