her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.