My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.