COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*mops up wine with cat*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Current mood: Potato
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.