[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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I’m good, thanks.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*